tsunami of emotions.

at this very moment, i can't hold the indescribable feeling i'm having any longer.
it's at my throat, choking me so badly, i want to vomit it out.
it's in my stomach, aching so much that i just want to roll on the floor and scream.
it's in my brain, stinging every single cell so intensely that i wish my tears could ease it.
it's running under my skin, trying to push out of it that maybe exploding is the only remedy.

THIS FEELING IS KILLING ME.

i feel so bad, so guilty, so ashamed, so disappointed, so sad, that i have been taking so many things for granted.
well, this feeling comes with a reason.

was talking to geena, jon and jeffrey. it's a very nice heart-to-heart talk.
we talked about the reasons being at imu, and i was touched to know that they are doing medicine because they really want it. i see passion and appreciation in them, doing what they have in their mind and heart.
they truly appreciate medicine, and as for me, i feel sad for myself. i can be totally honest to myself that i have been taking medicine for granted, i always feel like i am being forced to do so, and i always have it in mind that my passion or interest is never in medicine.

they said that it's a blessing for them, a blessing! to be doing medicine as it's not affordable for everybody to do so. and jon, as a scholar, have been really glad and thankful that he has gotten the opportunity to fulfill his dream. geena has been really considerate towards her family, saying that she has been really lucky to have her family supporting her to IMU and she's doing local, not wanting to burden her parents, being considerate as she has a sister who would be furthering her studies to UK soon. and jeff, has sort of decided to do Biomedical Science before twining, wanting to lighten his family's burden as he has younger siblings waiting to go universities.

i mean, everybody has been so considerate and understanding, that makes me think why haven't i been one.
yes, medicine has never been my very first choice, as i didn't have any choice on my mind after high school, not even after college. i didn't know EXACTLY what i want.
i was silly, wanted to be a designer, and wanted to just get easy with accountancy, and medicine came into the picture, simply because i want to be someone that people would look up to.
i want to see envious in the others' eyes.
i want my parents to be proud of me.
i want to be superior.
i want to be rich.
and i always conclude that i want it because my family wants it.
it's all so superficial!

i have been finding so many excuses simply because i am not enjoying what i have been doing.
that's really foolish and shallow of me.
and my attitude and mental thoughts bring me bad results for the past 3 semesters!
C+! it's a SHAME! and i always thought that as long as i pass, it's all right.
it's simply NOT ALL RIGHT AT ALL!
what the fuck is wrong with me. i hope my mum could just slap me on my face to wake me up.

i should have appreciate my parents better, for being always there, throughout my ups and downs.
they have been giving me their support in everything that i did, i do, i want to do.
they never pressurize me of what grade should i get, and where should i go.
it has always been me, making all the moves with my selfishness.
i am so ashamed of myself, for not concentrating on my studies well enough, i know i could have done better, but i just didn't push myself hard enough, cz i know i can afford to disappoint them.
i am so guilty for asking so much, for a DS, for a camera, for a car, for an I-Touch, and they never ask for anything in return.
my parents NEVER ask me to excel in my studies for anything, and i have been taking it for granted.
ever since i left home for college and uni, i have been taking everything for granted.
and i got worse at uni, i enjoy myself without thinking of giving back.
how could i not know how lucky and blessed i have been?

i could have been done everything better if i have been appreciative.

i am more than thankful having my family, loving me, regardless how disappointing i am today.
thank you mummy, daddy, carlyn, ying and yong.
it's time for this silly girl to wake up!

the conversation, was a good wake-up call.
a knock on my head, open up the stubborn chest.
there's a lot to be filled in that pathetic chest, a lot of effort and work needed.
well, that's all right, i think i can do that from this moment onwards.

to my family, sorry, i am late to realise how blessed i have been.
sorry, i have been taking everything for granted.
sorry, i could have been better.
last but not least, sorry to myself.
i will make a change, no, changes, for good.

love, katherine.

P.S. don't comfort me or lye to me saying that i am okay and all right, cause i really am not. i need a slap on the face or a punch on the head. i need no sympathy but constructive criticism, for i really need to be a better me. i am still strong enough for any straightforward advice.

behind those smiles and laughter, there's also tears and pain.